I’m emoing and gloomy over some stupid stuff. I am having stupid thoughts. Please give me a good waking-up. Reality has told me it’s impossible and I am well aware of that myself. But I can’t shake off these stupid thoughts. I know these can only be fantasies. Teach me how to forget. Teach me how to be happy. I want to rid myself of stupid thoughts and this heavy feeling.
Alright, I planned to publish this yesterday before the Tiger arrives. But because I’ve been typing this on my train ride to and fro Grandma’s and it’s too long to finish in a train’s ride, it’s been delayed. I did complete it in the morning, but the wordpress app somehow screwed up and here I am retyping everything. “Summary” of the Cow year as follows.
1. Mum bought herself a pair of FitFlops today. She claims she has no money and refuses to buy or pay for necessary stuff and some CNY stuff. But she bought herself a pair of sandals that costs a freaking $110.
2. I have to avoid steamboat meals. A- I overeat. B- I don’t feel full. C- It always makes me nauseous.
3. I love fruits these days. I can crave for fruits all day. And I have to eat at least 2 fruits a day nowadays. It all started after I ate the provided fruits during the Conrad stay. Somehow, the Conrad stay has made me want more luxurious hotel stays and love fruits. Kinda “life-changing” huh.
4. For the past year, since knowing Jewelry, I have learnt to be slightly more positive. But being the contradicting and weird person that I am, I have also became more negative, unhappy, unsatisfied and hot-tempered these days.
5. I am becoming stingy these days. (I even told Colin not to send me his wedding invitation.) I don’t know if this is just a passing phase due to my overspending for the past 2 months or it’s because I’m turning increasingly self-centred. But, funny how I’ve become more willing to spend on my close ones these days, especially Lil sweetheart Kesler boy and my family.
6. I turned 22 and seem to be increasingly sure that I will probably be alone for the rest of my long long life. I still get upset about being alone at times, but I am definitely emoing about this partner issue lesser. I also feel like I’m an old maid already, or at least showing signs of old maid in the making. I get all bitter and “soury” about couples instead of pure jealousy I felt when I was younger. I keep telling myself that I’ll be better off on my own and I feel resigned to fate somehow. I don’t feel like or don’t even want to try socialising with strangers. It’s taking me much more effort than before though.
7. My self esteem is on the fall. I did try to cut down on my carbo intake and increase my physical activities, but it didn’t last long enough for me to see obvious results. Perhaps, the Tiger year will be a great chance for me to try again. I don’t even have the motivation to doll myself this CNY.
8. My sister got pregnant and married. Now she is officially known as Mrs Guan and as a son, Kesler. Lil Kesler is 3 months now and is uber cute. He is the precious of many and is very spoilt by everyone around him. Me included. Kesler has made me spend so much! Hope he becomes a good boy and love us as much as we love him.
9. Something turned for the worse. It’s a pity since much was put into it. But I guess it makes us all see better.
10. Workwise, things are not going too well. I shan’t comment too much on this ‘cept that certain things and issues are making me disheartened. Anyway, I’m going jobless soon, in 22 June 2010. It’s scary and I have no plans. For now I’m taking things in my stride though. If anyone has opportunities for me, please let me know!
I’m keeping it to ten. Hopefully things will all be better in the Tiger year, and my luck will roaring ferociously like the tiger. Happy Tiger Year!
Today is eve of CNY 2010, I’m on my way to grandma’s for reunion dinner, alone. My parents went early in the morning to shop for things they haven’t manage to buy and to help prepare dinner for everyone. ONLY my parents preparing dinner for everyone else.
Anyway, I’m on my way there and at the same time ranting while bracing myself for humiliation to come over the next few days. Have to act like I’m fine and smile through all the nasty things that they have to say about me. I know, I make fun of myself often, but it’s different when people does it to you. I’ve heard those things so many years, so many times, perhaps I should have gotten used to it, but I haven’t. People have said it so many times, they should have gotten sick and tired of saying them, but they haven’t. On top of that, I have to serve these people who say hurtful things to me. I have to serve them rice, let them eat first, serve them drinks, help wash up and tidy the mess they make. All because they’re rich and my grandparent favour them more. We do all the shit work but at the end of everything, it is them who get all the credits.
I don’t give a damn about credits but I am not a slave. I am human as much as they are. Why do I have to go through all these and still get accused for not doing anything? Yet I still accept it because they are elders.
I don’t think there will be many people who hate CNY as much as I do. I guess in a few years’ time, I will stop celebrating CNY altogether…
Dad’s being lame. He asked when I’m gonna go for driving test on the way to work today. I told him I don’t plan to learn driving at all, he says it’s good to learn a skill. I retorted with at “Then at least wait till I can afford a car.” And he says waiting for me to afford a car would have been impossible… And he says I should go and learn and after I pass I can get a small car to drive myself to and fro work. Funny, he just said that the day I can afford a car would never happen, then he say I can get a small car after I pass driving. Like what, if I pass driving, money would drop from the sky? Or I would strike lottery? Better still, a car will just appear in front of me upon me getting a driving license?
Why the fuck would I want to spend 2k on some skill that would be useless for me when my savings haven’t even hit 5k? Stupid! He keeps harping on benefits of having my own car blah blah blah. I can sense that it’s him and my mum who want a car for their own convenience. Getting me to pick up driving and then getting my own car is just an excuse for them to have a car at their disposal without having to pay a single cent. NO WAY! No fucking way. I will not let them have their wish. They seem to think I’m filthy rich, but hello, I’m only earning peanuts and my total assets is way lesser than some of my peers around my age. I think even my sister has more savings than I do. Come on, stop being stupid.
It would be a miracle if I can even hit 7k savings in my pathetic bank by the time I become jobless, man. And by the way, I got a huge shock when I checked my account balance last night. I almost fainted. Damn, I overspent again, and by a lot this time round – 500 bucks. Maybe 500 don’t sound a lot to some of you, but 500 is all I save up in one freaking month. I can feel Taiwan 2011 drifting even further away from me… Argh, my dreams of a luxurious 8D7N villa stay with personal butler and chef…
Rena, save, Rena. Promise to myself:
A leopard never changes its spots. Rena never changes her spending habits.
Alright, I don’t think I can get new clothes and footwear on that might-be-happening-soon trip anyway. So I’ll just try and be a little more thrifty until June… (Oh no, I just realised I’m gonna become jobless in JUNE!) I’ll try and be more thrifty until I get my first pay from my next job then… (-_-”)
Okay, damn R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.
I’m becoming bad, very bad. I’ve developed a fetish that I should not have…
I went for a night’s stay at Conrad Centennial Singapore yesterday, check-ed out today and yeap, you might have guessed it. I’m hooked.
I’ve quite unfortunately developed a fetish of luxury. I’m obssessed with luxurious stuff. From hotel stays to luxurious beds, luxurious pillows and quilts, to expensive footwear to branded perfume. Alright, I’ve always known that I’m a sucker for everything luxury. But apparently it seems my love for luxury is getting out of control, I’m wanting MORE!
The moment I checked-in yesterday afternoon, I knew right away I want to be back in Conrad in no time. I love the large and comfy bed, the marble toilet, the expensive looking sofa and everything else. I love the fact that I got to check myself into the hotel very comfortably, with people settling you in a comfortable sofa, serving you drinks, walking to and fro the counter to get the necessary paperworks done, sending you to your room, showing you the best seats during breakfast and afternoon tea and attending to your every need.
I’m not exactly one who wants alot of attention, but I love being served. I know, contradicting, but that’s the kind of person I am. Anyway, I was comtemplating making a second reservation with Conrad the whole of today, but finally decided against it. I have to keep in mind of my limits.
I’m only a little shrimp earning a small amount, so I can’t afford to keep spending like some big fish in the vast ocean. But sometimes, I just lose my mind and overspend.
Hmm, I may not be able to afford a life of luxury for now, but I’m gonna try build me a small close-to-luxurious room at home. I think I’m starting with the bed first ‘cos I’m tired of being tired, and waking with aches all over every morning. Since I have a small room, I can probably only squeeze a super single bed in it. Now, do you think 1k can buy me a decent storage bed frame with a decent bed complete with good pillows?
Oh, and about the Conrad stay, I can’t describe to you how great I felt. To understand how I felt, you really have to try it for yourself. And really, it’s true they say Conrad’s a great hotel. Hopefully, can get some peeps to organise an overseas trip soon enough, and I’m gonna try for a relaxing, luxurious trip. LOL.
And did I mention? I’ve finally applied for my very first passport and it is ready for collection! Hope I’ll get it soon and get out of my small lovely island. Conquering luxurious hotels all over the world shall be my lifetime goal! =P That’s how hooked I am.
Alright, I’ve been in a “random angst” mood these days. For some unknown reasons, these days I feel down quite often. I hate this and I hate that for reasons I don’t know. Ok, basically, I’m RANDOMLY feeling some kinda angst and I felt I had to take down some stupid stuff. So, I came up with this “Random Angst” list few days ago, and have been adding to it every now and then. And I shall publish that list here. Ok whatever, it’s plain stupid.
- Go away or I’ll bite your head off!
- I’m not desperate but I’m hella bored.
- Hi, I’m Gloomy.
- I’ll kick your ass and stuck that up your ass!
- Go away and die quietly!
- Can you shut up and dig a hole for yourself?
- Bloody hell, I’m not feeling too good today. Eff off please.
- Ya! Kick yourself and give yourself a tight slap.
- I’m feeling random and angry and sad and gloomy.
- I feel like running into a wall and seeing stars.
- I feel like diving down from that bloody tall building.
- I wanna drink something something expired and see if it kills me.
- Hmm, yeah, I think suicide is the ‘IN’ now.
- Hey, can you lie there and let me step on you?
I don’t know what I have against the world. Neither do I know what the world has against me. But I’m tired of life, just like life tires me. I dread this place, and this place dreads me. I’m this confused, and I hate to wake up to a new morning everyday. I wish I’ll say my finally goodbye soon enough.
Few days ago, my one of my MSN nicks was:
Gai-gai, gai-gai. Mommy help you change, wear handsome handsome, 姨姨 bring you go gai-gai.
Kinda creepy and eerie huh? Imagine me saying in this in the middle of the night, the wind strong, and the echo trails…
Went to the BoysLikeGirls concert @ Resorts World Sentosa last night. Free tickets courtesy of Hwee Leng! Hmmm, it was considered the first time I went to a real concert. It wasn’t that bad, except that the sound system was too loud and the vocals were all muffled. Oh and the lights were blinding. I mean, seriously Blinding! It’s like they brought the noon sun right into the ballroom/concert hall. But overall, hmmm… it was okay, I heard a few good songs and their performance were kinda short, maybe ‘cos they only have 2 albums under their belt?
Oh, and by the way, it helps to listen to the singer/band’s songs before going to their concert, so that you already know what song they are singing and it helps enhance your concert experience somehow. I’ve only heard “Two is Better Than One” before I went to the concert, and yeah, other than that ONE song, I basically had no idea what they were singing, and most of the time I was wondering what’s going on rather than enjoying myself n grooving to the loud music…
Anyway, peeps, if you have free concert tickets and have no one to ask along, ask if I’m interested! LOL
What the FUCK is wrong with the fucking network. What the FUCK is wrong with it? I’m FUCKING angry!
When you’re an old haggard housewife with completely no life other than work and your family, forgetting to watch an episode of your favourite TV program instantly becomes a BIG problem, BIG enough to shake your world… Kinda sad isn’t it? That’s my mum for you. She simply forgot to watch some program and she keeps talking about it like her life depended on it. I can only roll my eyes listening to her grumbling. *Oh god*
When you’re an old uncle with completely no life other than work and your family, and you do not have to help out with the household chores, finding something to occupy your time becomes a BIG problem, BIG enough to pester your child for something to pass your time with. And in this case, my iPhone becomes an unfortunate victim of becoming my father’s toy. * like duh…* Almost everyday, he has to occupy my iPhone for at least 30 minutes, and it’s not like he bought it for me, and I’m the one charging it. Everytime I want to play with it, the battery is at least 30% gone. Like what the…
Note to myself. I shall NOT turn into a no-life when I grow older.
Bestie told me about this song. And it’s nice, devastating but still somehow beautiful in a way.
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I’m leading a kind of life which I think is very scary. I have given much thoughts about many things, but I have no plans yet. I still don’t know what to do next. Recently, I seem to have lost all my interests and I don’t think I want to continue in this direction. But if I am considering a switch in directions, I have nothing that I can fall back on, and I have no idea what I can do about it. Like what I’ve told someone, I’m living by the day, and this is very terrifying. I have absolutely no idea what to expect, and I can’t prepare and brace myself for my future. And if I were to fall, I have no one that I can fall back on, seriously. I have my friends and family, but I don’t think they would be able to support me much when I falter. I have no idea how bad the situation is going to be, but my gut feelings told me that it’ll be a really bad fall. And I’m really damn bloody scared.
I pretend like I can’t be bothered, I pretend like I can let nature take its own course, but I know somewhere very deep in me, there’s this immense fear growing, feeding on my insides, trying to swallow me whole. I’m okay with “I might fall so badly that I decide to give up on everything and leave this place.” But there’s this possibility that I’m extremely fearful of, “I might falter and breakdown, and then stay fallen, dejected. I won’t be able to pick myself up and no one else would be able to help me either.”
I’m really afraid ‘cos I see nothingness. Don’t bother telling me that there’s something in that nothingness ‘cos there’s really nothing.
Damn.
Anyway, I saw this few days ago, and I pray, very sincerely, that this will be accurate. Please.
The Rabbit
Cuddly, warm and affectionate are the attributes of the Rabbit. Mysterious and a great party-giver and host, the Rabbit enjoys being the centre of attention once in a while. The Rabbit is occasionally over cautious and can be a bit boring. He is also one of the luckiest signs in the Chinese Astrology chart.
Forecast for 2010
The focus will be on the Rabbit’s career and job prospects during the Year of the Tiger, with unexpected promotions and recognition very likely. Travel is also highlighted, with short breaks and spontaneous, fun trips featuring during the late Spring and early Summer. Health wise, the Rabbit could find the speed of the Tiger year exhausting and it’s important he balance work with rest and relaxation. Promotion at work or in the Rabbit’s career will be sure to feature and they need to act quickly – no hanging back to see what happens! Some Rabbits will be dissatisfied with their current living arrangements and the perfect new home may appear most unexpectedly – they must act quickly and not miss out! Friendships will play a big role during 2010 with possibly one or two friends needing extra care and help. May and October to January will bring special and fun social gatherings. February and March will be significant and fortunate for those looking to change jobs while July and August will be most auspicious for single Rabbits looking for love – an unexpected liaison could result from a work related social event.
Interesting Rabbit Facts
Zodiac Stone: Pearl
Special Flower: Jonquil
Best Hours: 5-7 am
Season: Spring
Horoscope Colors: Grey, White
寂寞在唱歌
Today is special day, and I’m on leave.
But I’m rotting at home, staring at a pile of work that I have no mood for, ‘cos my brain’s still snoring in bed.
Alot of things have happened:
Korean class ended. My Korean sucks. I don’t plan to continue for now.
Becker turned 21! But no decent R21 movies for us to watch yet.
Sihui turned 21.
Feelings towards someone has become rather intense. Don’t ask who/why.
I’m thankful I have my Bestie, my friends, my family with me.
My parents bought me a bday cake and I’m touched, ‘cos in my memory they haven’t bought me any since I grew up.
My colleagues bought me a cake and I’m happy they remember.
My dear Bestie and Mindy and Sihui bought me an expensive chocolate cake from a high class shop and treated me to my first Sushi Tei meal and I love them.
I realised my interest for design has taken a bad turn and my future seems bleak. I still don’t know what to do. I have plans, but no plans. Basically, it’s a very complicated and contradicting situation…
I got to know someone through Mindy. And that someone has yet again shown me how evil some people are. I don’t think that Love will and can exist in a world like that – at least not in my world. “Ji Mo Zai Chang Ge” (pardon the lack of chinese characters support) has become my theme song for now. My future seems even more bleak.
I got extreme mood swings, don’t ask me why.
I’m lonely. Very. But sometimes I want to be alone. All by myself. Don’t ask me why.
Someone asked what’s my bday wish. I told him that every year I wish I won’t be celebrating the next bday alone. But sometimes, I don’t even know if I want to be around to celebrate the next bday.
Sometimes, it seems the world has become a better place, a place more tolerable to live in. Yet sometimes, it seems like a place I’d rather abandon.
Times like these, I get so tired. I don’t even want to see the next sunrise/the next sundown. Don’t ask me why. I’m just so fucking tired.
I think I have an aged mind in a young body…
These few weeks were discovery weeks for me. OK, maybe I should call it “get to know me more” weeks. I’ve never realised I had such traits in me before this. A series of happenings are gradually revealing what’s been hidden deep in me. It makes me kinda scary thinking about it, but hey, I can’t be scared of myself right?
Other than finding that other side of myself, I found myself very useless as well. I think a lot, but I think about things that seldom happen to me. And when certain “more likely to happen” things happen to me, I don’t know what to do, except to look dazed and ask for advices.
Mummy was complaining about not striking the lottery last night and I sort of told her off for being so obsessed with lottery. I seriously find it stupid that they keep throwing a lot of money into the lottery and contribute to the prize money of others. But this morning Daddy was telling me about their wish to strike lottery so that they can set aside some money for my daily expenses, should I decide to pursue further studies. I wanted to tell him not to worry about that, because even if they managed to set aside a small amount for me, I wouldn’t have enough to pay off the fees… I guess that’s one of the tragedies in the real world. If you don’t have the means to pay for school fees, you’re consistently trapped in a circle. And here, you have the reason for the widening gap between the social classes.
Anyway, lately I’ve started my Korean classes with Becker. Boy, Korean is tough. The consonants and vowels are headache enough. I think in terms of the basic characters and pronunciations, Japanese is still much easier to learn. But it’s ok, I have 2 persons I can practice my language with.
For now, an nyong hi gye se yo! I’m starting work. ??????!
(I think it’s written like that…)